I am a bad mother. As a full time working mother, I am really a part time mother to my children. I work till I reach home past midnight and I don’t get to read my children a bedtime story or kiss them goodnight. I leave them to the hands of their caregivers during the day and even during the night. And now, on a Saturday, I am getting ready to go back to office.
When I read posts of my friends on Facebook, they often talk about how thoughtful their children are or how surprised they were to find their young children understanding a lot of things at the young age.
I am too. Alyssa asked me,”Mama, why are you working everyday?”. Yes. Even on a Saturday when she has no school. And I can see a tinge of disappointment in her when she said so while she was practicing writing with her daddy.
Alyssa is a child who melts me heart and always making me feel guilty. I guess it’s because Asher still doesn’t know how to express himself. I feel upset whenever Asher clings onto his daddy, my mother or ever our helper, but not me. But deep down in my heart, I knew. I spend a lot more time at work instead of with him. And I will give more time to Alyssa, instead of him, as I will read with Alyssa and not him. I feel guilty as a bad mother towards Asher too. I guess I also don’t know how to express my love and care for him. I was constantly trying to lecture him for his naughty behavior.
What is sweet about Alyssa is the things that she will say to me. And this is the joy of a parent that I’m going to share today.
On Boxing Day, we brought the children to USS. My hubby carried Asher on his shoulders in order for him to see the show at a distance as it was very crowded with audience surrounding the stage. I also carried Alyssa on my shoulders but she was too heavy that after a while, I let her sit on my right shoulders. Alyssa said to me:”Mama, later if you are tired, you put me down. Papa is strong but you are not.”
Aww… I instantly felt my heart melts. This is the thoughtfulness and sweetness every of my friend would share about in Facebook. Just a simple sentence and I was so touched. Children are so sweet. They are indeed blessings from God.
On New Year’s Eve, when everyone knocked off by 3pm, I worked in office till 7pm. Alyssa asked me,”Mama, why are you home early today?”. I was stuck at this question. Yes, I was home early, compared to other working days. But my hubby was home even earlier as it was a half day for him. I don’t know how to answer this question as it makes me feel guilty for not going home early to spend time with my family.
Alyssa told me numerous times. “Mama, can you come home early like Papa?” Everytime, I can only answer her “I try.”. I cannot even promise my own children to give them my time. And what they really want is just my time.
Time is precious. Yet, I give something so precious to my work, instead of my family.
My 2016 resolution. Go home early. If not, I have to buy more TOTO.